Lulu's Son
by Samwise Baggins
Summary: Lulu gets a letter from her cousin about Lulu's son. What a minute... what son?


Title: Lulu's Dilemma

Author: Sam  
Series: Lulu's Son 1 of ?

Rating: T: Nothing yet, but plans for minor language  
Setting: Hazzard County

Characters Introduced: Boss Hogg, Lulu Hogg

Summary: Lulu gets a letter from her cousin about Lulu's son. What a minute... what son?

Spoiler: Spoiler: Random episodes.

Category: Fantasy, General

Disclaimer: Dukes of Hazzard is a trademark of Warner Brothers. I am in no way connected with these people, and I do not claim ownership to these characters, lands, or names. I have borrowed them to share a story... and most likely not a story any of them would have written had they had the time or no. I am making no money from this, and it is just for my entertainment, and that of free entertainment to a select group of friends. Thank You.

Distribution: Please ask first?

Note: Lulu's Texan cousins are made up, to give a bit of a catalyst to this story.

Feedback: Please? I love comments.

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Balladeer: Welcome to Hazzard County, folks, where there's usually a couple of police chases and at least one automobile accident a day, and that's just before lunch. 'Round here nothin' goes on without the strict approval of Boss JD Hogg. Or, if'n he don't approve of somethin' 'cause it's too legal to make him a pile o' money, with the help of the Dukes. The Dukes're a farming family that used to run 'shine, that is moonshine, until Uncle Jesse, the clan patriarch, made a treaty with the United States government: the Dukes'd stop runnin' 'shine if the law would let his nephews, Bo and Luke Duke, stay out of prison on probation. Well, that suited most everybody just fine, 'cept Boss Hogg, who owns Hazzard County. 'Cause as them boys weren't in prison, they had plenty o' opportunity to stick their noses into ole Boss' business, which was illegal near all the time. And since the Duke boys were honest as the day they was born, that always meant trouble for Boss Hogg. Well, that all's on a normal day in Hazzard County… and this here's as normal a day as they come 'round here.

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Through the center of a very small, rundown little town called Hazzard, there was a lot of road work going on. Construction equipment littered the town-square; the monument was even covered by heavy canvas in a simulation of protection. Road was torn up in so many places, it was enough to slow most traffic to a crawl.

Looking over it all was a public office, rarely used for what it was originally intended. However, once in awhile the County Commissioner, Boss Jefferson Davis Hogg, would actually make an appearance at his office rather than conducting his affairs from The Boar's Nest, the tavern he owned on the outskirts of town. Today was one of those extremely rare occurrences.

JD sat at the unfamiliar, uncomfortable desk, nodding and grimacing at what he was hearing from the person on the other end of his phone call. The other man was enthusiastic, at least, but that didn't encourage Boss in any way. In fact, that just made it harder to plot a way to turn this around to his advantage. Finally, and none too soon for Boss, the other man hung up and Boss was left to contemplate what he'd been told.

With a frown, he hefted his large frame from the protesting chair and headed for the door. Upon looking outside, though, he backpedaled very quickly, looking desperately around for a place to hide. Of course, there was no place large enough for his bulk, and the door opened before he could locate another exit. Boss regretfully turned to greet his guest.

"Lulu, Pumpkin…" he stopped at the look on his wife's face.

Lulu Hogg was a pretty woman, despite the excessive amount of weight she carried. She was normally a happy, friendly, boisterous person with an eye for style. People liked Lulu, Boss liked Lulu's money, and together they made quite a pair around Hazzard. But today she was on the verge of tears, something Boss dreaded.

"Oh, JD, I don't know what we're gonna do," the woman wailed as she moved towards him. In one fist she clutched a crumpled letter that emitted enough perfume that anyone could have smelled it. There was also a faint scent that only Boss could have picked up: crude oil. To him, that letter smelled like money, to his upset wife, it smelled like trouble and misery.

"What's wrong, Sugar Pie? Did you get bad news?" He hoped not; bad news was usually expensive, especially when Lulu was involved.

"Look at this." She waved the missive, but didn't relinquish it, much to her husband's frustration. "It's from my cousin May-Belle. She's the one in Texas…"

Boss' eyes lit up at the mention of Lulu's extremely rich cousin. That woman had married an oil baron. The only problem was, and JD's face fell once more at the uninviting thought, the woman was a first class snob who didn't approve of Boss one little bit. "What's she want, Lulu." His voice was less than enthusiastic.

Lulu must have picked up on the emotion because she turned to give him one of her looks: the kind that said 'do what I want or you'll be in misery for weeks'. As Boss forced a smile, gulping privately in dread, his wife unfolded the letter and started reciting, barely glancing at the paper, which showed how much she'd already read it.

"My dearest Lulu. I have wonderful news. You remember little Sarah May, my daughter; she's been chosen to be a debutante. Isn't that just wonderful? And my son, darlin' Robert Lee, is gonna open a residency in Boston; as you know he graduated Harvard last year as a medical doctor. We'll be visitin' shortly, so my dearest cousins can see the boy before he goes away to live…"

"That don't sound so bad," Boss lied. He despised the snotty cousins Lulu had, especially as they wouldn't share their vast wealth. May-Belle had once relented enough to promise a small fortune to their first born son, upon meeting him, but as Boss could barely stand to look at his wife, that happy event had never occurred. But, as Lulu adored her entire family, even her stupid baby brother Roscoe who worked as Hazzard County Sheriff, Boss was better off pretending an interest he didn't feel. "You'll enjoy a visit from May-Belle, Dumplin'."

His wife gave him a look that said he had missed something important. "That ain't all, JD. She goes on to say she's arrivin' tomorrow mornin'." Before her husband could say anything more, though, she wailed, "And she asks me how my son is doin'."

Boss was confused, his eyes narrowing. "We ain't got a son." If they had, he'd be a lot richer.

"I know…" her voice rose higher as she broke into tears suddenly. After only seconds of her husband catering to her, the woman sobbed out, "When she had her boy, I told her I was gonna have a baby, too. Then she had her girl, and I said we'd had a boy. I know I shouldn't have lied to her, but she was makin' such a fuss about me not bein' able," and Lulu sniffed indignantly at the rude assumption of her cousin, "to have babies. I had to show her up, JD. Oh, I was so young and foolish."

Forcing calmness to his tone, Boss grated out, "and you just never told her you ain't got no chil'ren… Puddin'?" This was bad news indeed. After all, his wife's cousin was going to be smug if she showed up and there was no boy. But, if there had been, he'd have gotten a healthy bundle when May-Belle saw him. Boss couldn't let that sour thought go, instead wondering just how he could cash in anyway. Thinking fast, which was something Boss was very good at, he grinned and patted his wife's arm. "Not to worry, Lulu my sweet. Tell her he's off at University or in the military. Then she won't expect to see him none."

Lulu shook her head, black ringlets bouncing. "I can't, JD. I done told her that a few years back. She was gonna visit when he graduated from High School. So, I told her that it was a bad idea as he was goin' off to the Marines. And b'sides, she'll expect to see pictures if he ain't home. And I ain't got no pictures!"

A thoughtful look crossed Boss' face.

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Balladeer: Uh oh. Now don't he look jus' like a fox stakin' out the hen house?

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"Sugar Drop, why don't we hire a boy to play our son while your cousin's in town?"

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Balladeer: Now ole Boss don't part with even a red nickel 'less'n there's a profit down the ways for him, so, way I figure, he must be 'xpectin' one big pile o' money if'n he could show he got himself a son.

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Lulu threw her arms around Boss, near choking him. As his already red face got redder, she squealed happily. "I know'd you love me, JD. Oh, yes, we'll hire one of the boys here to play our son. You're so good to me!" She let go of her husband before he could pass out and went to reading her letter, smiling now.

For his part, Boss was massaging his throat and frowning thoughtfully. Slowly, once he could speak again, he said, "Dumplin'? If she's to show tomorrow, I'm gonna have to get someone real quick, and we ain't got much time. It's lunch time already." Boss suddenly paled a bit. He was missisn' lunch, which to him was the most important meal next to breakfast and supper. "Uh… Sugar Plum? What you tell Cousin May-Belle our boy was like?"

Her eyes welled with joyful tears at the words 'our boy'. Enthusiastically, taking her husband's arm and leading him towards the door in order to walk him to lunch, Lulu replied, "Well, he's as dark as me, and very handsome. He's brave and smart and polite. He's gotta be polite, JD, as I know any son of mine would have the best manners. He has to've been a Marine; May-Belle may ask questions about his service, JD." Thinking a bit, she added, "And he's gotta be about twenty-five. He's gotta be near the same age as Robert Lee."

Boss frowned and softly wailed, "Now who we gonna find like that in Hazzard County?"

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Balladeer: Y'all see where this's goin'?

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Balladeer: Now why do I think Luke ain't gonna hear about that inheritance Boss'll get from Lulu's cousin? And if Luke don't know about that little plot, he might just take them up on their offer. This promises to be a lot of trouble for them there Dukes. And what did I tell y'all? It ain't even lunch time.

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Continued in Chapter Two


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